Let Life Dance in Every Day | Patient Story
It has been nearly nine months since I joined the Panda Jiangnan group. Although I have mostly been a silent observer since joining, I have learned so much practical knowledge and benefited greatly. From psychological preparation to disease analysis, I am no longer anxious or despairing.
I actually saw the call for submissions quite early on, but I felt my condition and treatment journey were hardly worth writing about. From discovery to chemotherapy, maintenance, and observation, it pales in comparison to other group members. Compared to the experts in the group, our treatment has been too ordinary to craft a compelling story.
However, the help this Panda group has given us is etched in my heart. I am deeply grateful to Director Xiao Han, Director Guo Liwen, this group, Xingka, Minka, and all the fellow patients who shared their experiences—both good and bad. You have helped us avoid detours and clear our confusion. This is a group full of positive energy and warmth. It is like a beam of light, giving us strength and hope for life.
Last night, while out for a walk, my husband reminded me again: "Don't you have anything to say to the Panda group?" Yes, of course I do. So today, taking advantage of the rainy weather keeping us indoors, I will write down my simple treatment journey and emotional path. I hope that even in our darkest days, we can still dance, living up to ourselves and to life.
Author | HH (Patient's Account)
Editor | Xianning
Disaster Strikes, The Darkest Hour
July 18, 2023
With less than ten months left until my retirement, after countless deliberations about retiring early or extending my career, the unexpected arrived sooner than tomorrow. At 10:00 AM on July 18, 2023, a CT report revealed lung metastases. All my assumptions and plans came to an abrupt halt. A red light flashed on my path of life. I could not accept it. My body had always been healthy, with normal annual check-ups, and suddenly, I was diagnosed with late-stage cancer. Panic, sorrow, and despair overwhelmed me. All the goals I had yet to achieve were instantly terminated.
My only plan was to find a burial plot for myself in this city where I had lived for over twenty years—a city where, aside from colleagues, I had almost no friends or family, and never felt it was my final home. I would lay my body to rest here. Though my heart was filled with reluctance, I had to accept fate.
July 24, 2023: Surgery
No matter what tomorrow brings, whether I am ready or not, I must face it calmly. For the family who cares for and loves me, I discovered a child who is steady, capable, and reliable. From breaking down upon receiving the call to providing calm, meticulous care during surgery, he checked every IV and drainage tube, attended to my every detail and emotion, and actively discussed treatment plans with the doctors. I have met one of the rarest, most grateful children in this world; he is my salvation.
I have no reason to break his heart. I will no longer give up. For my beloved family, and for the father and son who love me, I cannot abandon them.
On August 1, 2023, I was discharged. The darkest days have passed, and what remains is luck. Heaven has given me the chance to cherish every day, to accompany them, and to fight. Even if there is only a 1% chance of survival, I will strive for it. This warning from heaven has been enough to help me let go of many burdens.
Although the road ahead is unclear, I care more about myself now. With the best treatment plan from my doctors and the strongest support from my family, I will give my best state of mind. Once I cross this river, the sky will be vast. From now on, every day is brand new.
An Embrace of Love, Hope for Life
Chemotherapy Begins: August 15, 2023
The first cycle of chemotherapy ended on August 19. The reactions included vomiting, fatigue, constipation, pustular rashes on my chin, ulcers on both sides of my tongue, and pain at the port site.
My son rushed back from Dongtai. Every time he returned, he brought confidence and hope. He bought countless medications to manage the post-chemotherapy side effects. From nutritional food to drug efficacy, he consulted doctors, sought solutions, and developed plans, traveling frequently between Shanghai and Hangzhou. He is only a 25-year-old who has just stepped into society.
Since falling ill, whenever I see grandmothers caring for their grandchildren, I deeply wish to overcome this hurdle so I can do something for him. He should not have to endure such suffering at such a young age. And my husband, my classmate, confidant, and friend of 30 years, has woken up startled from dreams countless times to cook, mop, and do laundry, carefully tending to my feelings. The psychological pressure they bear far exceeds my own.
Every moment of being moved carries profound gratitude. Heaven has shown me mercy by letting me meet them in this life, yet it is also testing me. I must face it with strength; otherwise, how could I ever repay them?
During chemotherapy, I faced unqualified kidney function indicators and severe liver damage, spending the entire interval hospitalized in pain. I endured throat inflammation and loss of voice from side effects, watching the moon rise over the Rainbow Bridge on Mid-Autumn Festival with my family in tears at the hospital. I experienced fever and burning sensations, where every hair and toe felt like a battleground between life and death, every cell trembling. I suffered from widespread mouth and tongue ulcers and continuous bleeding from hemorrhoids. Every meal and bowel movement felt like torture, bringing unbearable pain and a sense of hopelessness. The physical suffering of cancer patients must ultimately be borne alone.
After eight cycles of Oxaliplatin and Cetuximab, time crossed from 2023 into 2024. The lung tumors shrank slightly, but the largest one remained at 0.7 cm, with two others still relatively large. The infusion regimen was temporarily paused, switching to single-agent Capecitabine for maintenance. On January 19, I underwent ablation under Director Guo at the Provincial Cancer Hospital. January 22 was our discharge day. Jinhua welcomed a long-awaited heavy snow, and I hope this snow will wash away the hardships of 2023.
2024 marks the beginning of my new life and journey. I will greet my rebirth with a smile.
When the Wind Rises Again, Let Go of Yesterday
I exercised diligently, maintained a regular schedule, and ate carefully, hoping for a good report at my follow-up. However, in April, I did not pass. The results showed new liver lesions. The thing I dreaded most had happened. Pain, breakdown, and despair struck again. The original lung tumors grew larger, and my CEA levels tripled. The cancer was rampant once more, pushing me to the edge of darkness again. My child and husband comforted me endlessly, though they too struggled to face the results.
I will face another round of difficult challenges and undergo another cycle of chemotherapy. Like all cancer patients, I am no exception. Life is a continuous battle on the edge of a cliff, ready to fall at any moment. Trading two happy months for this outcome, I have no regrets. During those two months, my body recovered. I could drive, hike, jog, and dance in the square. We visited Jiuxi Yanshu, ate vegetarian meals and made wishes at Faxi Temple, enjoyed the scenery at Meijiawu, lost a bicycle at the Zhijiang campus, watched trains on the Qiantang River Bridge, and bought a peony painting at Liuhe Pagoda. Those two months gave me many unforgettable, beautiful memories. I am grateful for that time, for the companionship, and for the wonderful moments shared with my family.
The path of fighting cancer is not a short one. This relapse has made me face the disease more rationally and realistically. Do not underestimate it, but do not obsess over it either. It constantly reminds me to cherish the life before me, appreciate the present beauty, and focus on current feelings. Since falling ill, I have found that even a tiny bit of joy is magnified a thousandfold, bringing ecstatic happiness. A hundredfold of pain, once passed, is deleted and left behind. Perhaps this kind of life experience is a unique privilege for those of us who have faced life and death. I wish my fellow patients: do not let sorrow dominate our emotions. If we are not strong, our families will suffer more. We are not fighting alone. We have the encouragement of our families, Director Xiao Han, the brothers and sisters in the Panda group, and social resources from all sides helping us.
Let Life Dance in Every Day
The wind has stopped, the rain has ceased, and stepping out of the house, everything feels so fresh.
Birds chirp, camphor trees exude fragrance,
A beautiful spring day is just right.
I feel the freedom of leaves breathing,
Sense the tension of vines climbing,
Watch the grass dancing gracefully.
I feel the joy and vitality of my cells,
I am one with nature.
Having experienced illness,
Having faced death,
My physical senses are so acute.
It turns out that focusing on the present moment
Is also so wonderful.
END
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